IT'S ALL JUST FLUFFY GODDAMN CLOUDS

IT’S ALL JUST FLUFFY GODDAMN CLOUDS!

-Song playing: ‘’when it’s cold I’d like to die’’ by Moby

Here I am baby: getting wasted in the void. The joint is doing its thing. The high is coming on. Oh here it comes:

This is the captain speaking: There is a man overboard. He needs to be saved! Help him because he doesn’t want to fight the tide. Get him out the fuck of there. Tell him he can by himself. He has to because nobody can get him out there but himself.

They tell him how but the bastard won’t listen. The captain asks himself why he wants to stay out there. The bastard told him himself that he doesn’t want to swim forever. So the captain starts to ask him why he is keeps persisting to drift down there. The motherfucker tells him that he stays down here because this is the only place that feels real to him. He tells the captain that if he goes back up there that it would only feel like a distraction of what’s going on. He tells him he feels more lost up there than down here. The captain tells him that it can get pretty real up here as well. He tells him that he doesn’t need to drift down there.
     But the lost little boy at sea tells them: that’s a crock of shit. This fucking sea is real. I have to fight the tide baby. Can’t go up there and mingle with you happy-go lucky bastards…

Then the captain says: you are the one full of shit boy. You think you are getting real down there? You are just feeding excuses to feel sorry for yourself. Life isn’t there. If you stay there long enough you will lose who you are. You will destroy everything that represented why you got in there in the first place. You’ll piss on the memories. There will no more sweet nostalgia if you stay down there. Grab my hands and get back here, there is a pretty lady waiting for you up there.
     The boy asks: like who?
     The captain then opens his zipper and whips out his cock. The boy says: What the fuck are you doing? The captain doesn’t listen and he just starts pissing all over him. The boy drifts deeper. It’s cold down there. But it’s better than the piss streaming down from up there. It’s cold down there and the boy feels like he can slip all the way down. He can go all downhill from here. Yet he can’t now. He sees how. He sees why. But he can’t now…
     Why? The boy doesn’t know. Maybe he secretly remembers the girl that the captain was talking about…
     When the boy figured that the captain was done pissing he let his head above water again. The boy saw that he was precisely on time. He saw that the captain was smoothly shuffling his dick inside his pants again. So the boy asks: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? The captain then says: Don’t go down anymore. You won’t remember her down there. If you down there it will get to cold and you would want to die.
     The boy then says: Well don’t fucking piss on me then! I’m not going to let you urinate all over me you senile old bastard!
     The captain then says: But you went above water again. That says something. That says you secretly do remember her. That says you do want to be saved. That means that you aren’t ready to down there anymore. Why don’t you think about her? Why don’t you start remembering?
     The boy then says: What’s the fucking difference? It’s all going to go to shit anyway. What if it’s just an escape? What if I lost everything and such a great escape won’t be as fruitful as I hoped? Who says I will get real up there? Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I need to drift a little while longer.
     The captain then says: and what if the escape is great? What if she’s right for you? What if you’ll let something beautiful slip if you keep slipping away like this? You are a young man and I’m an old man. I fucked up a lot of things, especially in your age. Now this girl is someone with potential. Deep down you know that she is beautiful. Deep down you know it might work just because you two are both fucking crazy.
     The boy then says: You fucking smart ass. You goddamn old man. You and your goddamn stories! I don’t even know the woman that well. Maybe she’s not right for me.
     -Maybe so. But how would you know if you keep drifting down there?

The boy thought to himself; what the fuck kind of cheese-ball purgatory have I been drifting in? Is this the supposedly profound state of mind which will make me want to get up and get out there? Couldn’t the creator of this story devise something smarter? I mean seriously this is some corny ass shit…

I smoke the remains of my joint. It’s the last joint I can smoke this night. I have no papers to roll more. I go back on SKYPE to see what she told me. This is what she told me:

 DANI: Reality isn’t that bad. Think about it. What happened in the past happened. Now you don’t that anymore. You have a chance to start to start fresh.

I said:

ME: I’m sorry I can’t commit to such a thought pattern right now. I know I’ll be right but…

She then said:

DANI: Then how can you commit to me?

Fucking wise-ass...

So I said:

ME: Okay, okay. You’re right. Goddamn Smart-ass.

DANI: I’m not right. Maybe I’m wrong. But if you want to commit to me you can’t think about your ex and how lousy your life is…

I sighed. I said:

ME: I’m just a moody bastard. If my shrink is right and I do have borderline you have to remember that this moodiness is a common symptom…

DANI: J hahahahahah… Oh please don’t use that as an excuse.

ME: Yeah well you can laugh about it but it’s a personality disorder for fuck sake. It’s not an excuse but I can’t just get on the SUNHINE BANDWAGON. I can’t go all like: OOOH LIFE IS ALL SWEET AND KISSES AND FLOWERS AND FLUFFY CLOUDS. Ooh life is nothing more but a bunch of goddamn fluffy clouds. IT’S ALL JUST FLUFFY GODDAMN CLOUDS!!!!

DANI: You are too cute. I just like you and you are awesome and you make me smile.

ME: Stop it now… You are making me blush goddammit…

DANI: I’d kiss you right now…

This woman was getting to me. So I type down four little dots:

ME: ....

Then I say:

ME: STOP MANIPULATING ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING! LIFE STILL GODDAMN SUCKS ASS! LIFE IS STILL A ROTTON FUCK-HOLE!

DANI: I like it when you get like this.

ME: What? You mean when I get sarcastic?

DANI: YeahJ

The bitch made me smile. The goddamn beautiful bitch made me smile. So I typed down:

ME: Now you are making me smile… Goddammit…

I also received a severe erection. I told her this of course:

ME: Now you are also giving me a huge boner. You treacherous snake!

She then said:

DANI: I can’t help it. You’re like a boy in a sea shell.

ME: Sea-shell? What the fuck are you talking about?

DANI: You are always hiding.

ME: Hiding? Where the fuck am I hiding from?

DANI: For protection. You want to feel safe. So you hide there. You hide in a sea-shell.

I then realize what the story is about: it’s about me hiding in a goddamn sea-shell. I’m a goddamn boy drifting in a sea-shell on the sea.
     I then realize that the story needs a happy ending:

So the boy remembered the girl. He remembered the girl that made him write a story called ‘’IT’S ALL JUST FLUFFY GODDAMN CLOUDS!’’ with upper-case name characters and exclamation mark to boot.
     The boy then looked up. The captain was gone. He was inside smoking his peace-pipe. He saw victory already happening. He knew the boy would come back because he did, even when all that filthy piss was raining down on him.
     And instead of the old captain, the girl was there. The girl was there and she held out her hand.
     She said: get the fuck out of there. There is a life for you here and you are wasting it down there. I’m wasting it here without you. Let’s do something goddamn productive for onceJ
     And the boy thought to himself: Jesus this story is one fluffy piece of shit. The creator must be high as shit.
     And so the creator yelled out from the sky:

CREATOR: Yes I am. But I might also be falling in love. Or I might be in one of my obligatory illusionary enrichment common to borderline zombies. Maybe I’m just zoned out from romanticism and I’m truly to fuel my void with a dramatic romance that’s not real and only just in my head…

     And then the girl said: Shut the fuck up! You are ruining it for me and him!

     The creator then quietly mumbled to himself:

CREATOR: Is this real or is this all in my head? Didn’t I forget to take my pills today? I did. Didn’t I? What’s going on? Is she right for me and do I really want her? Do I want her for the right reasons and does she want me for the right reasons? Am I more fucked in the head or is she? She tried to kill yourself and you thought about that too. You were so goddamn close to trying. Maybe she’s stronger. Maybe you’re weaker. Maybe you’re too neurotic. Maybe you should the fuck up and stop annoying her with your filthy gibberish. Nobody wants to be with a man in love with his own neurotic ramblings… Get over yourself. Don’t tell her you are masturbating on the other end anymore. What are you fucking crazy? I thought you were the romantic type. Don’t get all perverted because it gives you a sense of temporary satisfied manliness. Who needs that shit? You need love brother. You need love in your bones. Getting your cock isn’t as important as love mate! Get over yourself. Stop messing around. Don’t send her this. Do not send her this. This isn’t romantic. Or is it? Maybe this is it. Maybe this is good. Maybe this is shit. What’s going on? What if it isn’t real? What if this shit isn’t real? Nonetheless the bitch got to you. The beautiful goddamn bitch got to you…

     The boy and girl both shook their heads. What a goddamn crazy motherfucker the boy said. The girl agreed. They both started to smile to each other.
     And then the boy reached out and grabbed her hand…

19-01-12

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